It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
