Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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