I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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