non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
