I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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