Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
