Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
