is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
farters have to be the big spoon...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i out mim tonsoeep
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
