you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
