I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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