I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
