last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
