I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
