I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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