the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
