I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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