im six kinds of drunk right now
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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