Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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