Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
