I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I want a musical about memes.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
