His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
