it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
