why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
