Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize