real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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