my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
