ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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