my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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