I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
