Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
