I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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