I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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