then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
