saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I will be naked everywhere
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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