Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
