every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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