How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
