i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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