I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
