Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
