I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
