so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I could fuck to npr.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize