i just sent this text using only my big toe
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My breasts were aching with rage.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
