We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
