He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
