There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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