I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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