Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
