Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
