Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Can you repeat that, but with context?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
