Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
