as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
