you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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