You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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