Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
