Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
