mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
